Monday, October 25, 2010

The world is my oyster, but I'd rather have tacos.

Tonight, I ate a restaurant in Kosovo with two of our mutual friends. We ate delicious Eastern European food that came in clay pots. Earlier, I documented the work of our two mutual friends. I sat with my camera while Ashkali, Albanian, and Romani teenagers fell safely into each others arm. This morning, I woke up on my queen sized bed in my private room in the house being rented by our two mutual friends. I had Baklava for breakfast. Not too shabby, eh? It sounds like I'm keeping busy. It looks like I'm keeping busy. It feels like I'm keeping busy. I hear often how nice it is that I travel, and how lucky I am that I am capable of dropping everything in New York, so that I can live in Europe for four months. Yes, it seems that way. Lucky. Look at me, Carmen Santiago. Look at me, the world traveler sitting in a train station in Thessaloniki with my black hat and ukulele. Look closely. Closer. Inside the brain. I've got a passport, and the capabilities to go anywhere, but do you see what's going on inside my smart tissue? It's fixed on our coffee mugs, and velour gypsy blanket. It's fixed on a cold, rainy day in Brooklyn and two Hot Toddies. It's fixed on the desire to lay in bed close to your warm body. Yes, I am lucky. Yes, I like being here. Yes, I am grateful. But that brain of mine knows what it'd rather have, and I can't ignore this fact, nor do I want to. It exists, and its existence is what continues to make you tangible. This desire- this is where you and I now live.

Saturday, October 23, 2010


Why the fuck did you die?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

It's our anniversary.

Anniversaries were created so that people can remember really important, often wonderful moments in their lives. Anniversaries are celebrations, and that's why I think it's important that people pick a day that they actually want to remember, especially when it comes to planning something as ridiculous as a wedding. I don't understand why most people pick an entirely new day to plan such a big event when clearly it should be the day it all began, the minute two hearts were sealed as one. You could get food poisoning and spend the wee hours of the morning with body-seizing, flu-like symptoms on your big day, and that can truly suck, but if you picked a day that was already special, at least you have that. I hate it when I hear my married friends complain about how it rained on their wedding day when the almanac clearly estimated that Sunday, June 22nd to be a perfectly sunny day. Ugh, that's not how love works. Anniversaries are reminders, and they are incredibly vivid as far as memories go, so be smart about it.
We selected our anniversary together. We were eager to have our first year, so we handpicked the day we so much wanted to keep in our hearts forever. This is why I like us, and always will. On October 13th, 2006, we fell in love. It was a Friday the 13th, and I so badly wanted to throw a Halloween party, especially on a Friday the 13th, so I did, and told everyone to get dressed in an outfit they would be buried in. Deepal's was my favorite. Being from India, he came wrapped in a white sheet with white powder on his face, and cotton plugging his nostrils and ears- ready for cremation on giant pyre. I remember thinking how amazing it was to have him dressed like this amongst the so many suits and dresses. You came as you are, no costume, with a bit of a party crasher air about you. You went straight to the dance floor, there was a whole bunch of us dancing together, and you joined right in. I thought you were perfectly confident, and instantly likable. The party went on, and I lost sight of you. Then I went outside to get some air, and be alone. I wanted to look into the dark sky and smile, to quietly thank my lucky stars for having brought me to this funny, little town in Northern California. I didn't realize you had gone outside just moments before me. I caught you just as you were leaving. You were so happy to see me! I was so happy to see you! It felt so natural, like we already knew each other incredibly well. That's when our eyes made true transmission, and it started. POW!

I love you, Adrian. Happy Anniversary from here on Earth.

Monday, October 4, 2010

I will be me for you.

I know this is what you want.

So I will be.

I'll be myself, but better. The new and improved me- the non angry me, the non lazy me, the non cynical me, the non negative me, the non berating me, the non sad me.
I have to stop asking why you died. I have to stop yelling at you, and calling you names. It's not fair to you. I am sorry for being so sad. I am sorry for holding on so tightly, and bitterly. I want to return to the person I was when we met, even more, I want to inherit your best qualities. All I need is your love. I have it. I keep reading that communication with you will happen if I just ease up a bit, and take it easy on the both of us. I'm going to start doing just that. I will be me for you. Even better, I will be us for you. I'll take your hat. I'll continue. I'll be good. I'll be kind. I'll be steadfast. I'll be faithful. I'll be proactive. I'll be diligent. I'll be open. I'll be funny. I'll be humble. I'll be half serious. I'll be calm. I'll be gentle. I'll be loving. I'll be really fucking good on stage, (with my grateful attitude, and humility in tact, of course). I will be happy. I will love you. I want to become a person that radiates light, and goodness, just like you did. I'm going to catch up to you, even if it takes a lifetime. I promise.