Don't hit my piano with your wine bottle.

I am getting phone calls from Detroit. My piano was desperately requested by the organizer of an event happening where I live. They solemnly swore that the people performing would not go Jerry Lee Lewis on it, but now the audience is drunk and people are banging the keys with empty wine bottles. At the end of the day, big dumb animals with heightened fashion senses and yearning genitalia is all we are.
I wish mental illness wasn't associated with weakness. I totally love it as a character trait- which probably means that I hardly suffer from anything. I bet people with real illnesses don't find it sexy at all.
Adi, I am going NUTS. I am so bored with everything. I didn't even change into real clothes today. I ate one meal. My teeth I brushed not. I heard recently that people who sit a lot have higher mortality rates than those who move about. My tailbone hurts from the weight of my lethargic being.
Tonight, I am going to brush my face and then apply about twenty different kinds of cream to it. Then maybe, I'm going to do day 5 of my 30 day abs challenge. I might rummage through my mom's kitchen in search of some alcohol too.
I wished I lived with a crystal genie, and that a sorority of good witches resided across the street.

Messages received. Thank you.

Say no to broadcasting. Got it.

Today is beautiful. Yes.

You are a decent human being. Check.

You're sensitive. No kidding!

Acknowledge patterns. Mhmm.

It's okay to feel bad. Now move on. Okkkkkaaaaaayyyyyy.

Breathe. ...........

Hey baby.

I would like to apologize to everyone for my father.
But, not really. 

I am sorry that angry, polytheist immigrant was not held back by a 6th grade education.
He was genius.  

Yes, his arsenal of resentment proved quite lucrative.
It's true. 

I've been paying for his actions ever since.
Quite true. 

Just ask my baby.
You can't. 

He's in Southern Cali.
Decomposing.

Six
Dead

Feet
Dead

Deep.
Dead

Hey baby, am I an asshole?
Sometimes. 

Let's talk about the world for a minute.
Sure.

When it ends, let us blame ourselves.
Naturally. 

Let's celebrate in our collective shit show.
Like a party? 

Let us all make dedications in each other's names.
Where are you going with this?

For real though...
Oh boy.

Is my heart made of shit and money?
Of course not.

Hey Baby,

enter my dreams tonight.
Go to bed. 

Hey baby,

I'm floating around

waiting for flowers.
Don't.

Hey baby,

I haven't been properly kissed in four years.
I beg to differ. 

Hey baby,

this is my sacred text.
I know. Let's keep it that away. 

Lady and Jeffrit Present...

4:50 AM Adrian: hello?

  I'm sending you something

 me: Hi

  Cool

  I'm still up...

 Adrian: Me too

  fancy that

  just getting settled in here

4:51 AM me: me too...

 Adrian: Yay

 me: yay

 Adrian: it's nice to be home and unwind from the day

  it's important

 me: yeah.

  yeah.

  i agree

4:52 AM I'm tired but my knee is healing nicely

 Adrian: my nose is leaky

  I think the airplane people did something to it

 me: noses and knees

  to your nose?

 Adrian: because it wasn't leaking before

  yay knee!

  yeah

  it's leaky

  drip

  drip

  I'm going to be up all night

  drip

4:53 AM me: ah....haha...maybe it's the faucet in the kitchen...not your nose!

 Adrian: I just pressed Send

  oh

  maybe

  hadn't thought of that

 me: aren't you glad i'm around

4:54 AM Adrian: yes

  always

 me: i'm smiling....

  big

 Adrian: Oh

  That sounds nice

4:55 AM I like it when that happens

  you know... it's contagious

 me: "i'm home....I'm hOme....

 Adrian: I'm home when I'm with you my love

  I'm in this big old bed here

  and I keep trying to take up the whole thing, but I don't think I can...

  I need your help

4:56 AM me: this is funny!

 Adrian: yeah?

 me: and beautiful

 Adrian: good

  yeah?

  good too

 me: yah baby

  yeah

 Adrian: you are beautiful

 me: great

  good too...i love the radio in the background

 Adrian: you are so very talented and intelligent, and you smell good too

4:57 AM oh, it's the TV

 me: we're working that into the play...

 Adrian: kqed

  yeah!

  good

  wait

  what?

 me: you know, the non-clown play we're working on...

 Adrian: the TV

  Oh, right

  the recording into the show!

 me: :0

 Adrian: yeah... it could be a musician that Jeffrit likes

4:58 AM maybe

  I don't know

  something

  hah... he can put it on when he's all alone

  and cry while he sings along

  in his voice

4:59 AM me: Like lady and jeffrit watch tv! But all the show theys watch, acts we perform, acting oddities, lounge singer....tele novella, characters who aren't clowns but characters...

5:00 AM Adrian: yeah

  it's a portal

 me: ah...did that make any sense?

  Yeah!

 Adrian: one of the windows/mirrors to their world

  yes

  of course it did

  we've been collaborating for quite some time now

 me: you know how interesting that would be to watch?

5:01 AM Adrian: awe man... I really need to do Macho Tools with Natty by the end of the summer, to we have it... you must direct it, for video/film

 me: breaking the tension from one world to the next?

 Adrian: very!

  yeah

 me: cool

 Adrian: you know that these chats are saved right?

 me: let's working on a video piece soon

 Adrian: we can print this all out as notes/source material

  yeah

5:02 AM me: i was just wondering about that!

 Adrian: let's

  I'm looking into getting that camera fixed, getting a quote here in SF

  I should take yours in too... just to see if they can look at it, or see what we need to have it operational.

5:03 AM me: so for june we have the coffee bit we talked about....and then we need a video bit and then we have a good 45 minute show for september. "Introducing: Lady and Jeffrit..."

 Adrian: yeah... just type in chats into the search column and hit enter, and this one will come up as the last one.. but I don't know how long they stay in there

5:04 AM me: I got lady a feather duster...

 Adrian: awesome

 me: we'll just copy and paste it into an email

  good work team us

 Adrian: I need to make sure that vacuum works...

  I'm nervous about trying it inside

5:05 AM Ah

 me: yeah...then don't

 Adrian: good idea baby!

 me: get an extension cord and try it on the balcony

 Adrian: oh

  just forward it to yourself

  from when you look at it

  Oh

  never mind

  it does save them

5:06 AM I just found a bunch of pretty old ones

  cool

  ok cuddles

  I have to get up in six hours

  I'll talk to you soon

5:07 AM me: we;re you able to copy and paste i;m having difficulties

 Adrian: good rehearsal just now

  Lady and Jeffrit are on their way

  Oh, I had another idea tooo

 me: me too

 Adrian: no

  don't do that

 me: what?

 Adrian: go to chats right under starred

  click there

  and there it is

  you already have it

 me: cool.

 Adrian: yup

 me: i never realized that

 Adrian: there you go

  I love gmail

 me: okay cuddles

5:08 AM Adrian: I was saying "Good Rehearsal" just now

 me: GOODNIGHT I LOVE CUDDLING YOUR TOES!

  cute

 Adrian: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAY

  TOES!

  ok

  bye

  for real now

  ok

  no

  you hang up

  ok

 me: who are you talking to?

 Adrian: let's hang up on three

  one two

  three

  hello?

  why didn't you hang up

  Oh... just playing out the scene

5:09 AM young lovers

 me: yes i know.

 Adrian: ah

  sorry

  got caught up

  Good night Eleni.

 me: don't be...i think it's cute.

  Just don't start again...

 Adrian: oh good

 me: ;)

 Adrian: oh

  kay

 me: hahah

5:10 AM Adrian: gooood Niiiight!

  typing is funfull

 me: Mwa!

  jywegrejrhagkdjfghe;kaihb

  hfgdsgkjhdfkgajhg

  fjfjjjf

  poop

 Adrian: OOoo, Mwa!

  what?

  I don't speak alien

  or read it

 me: it was joke...

 Adrian: I've already told you this

  ah

  ah ha?

  uh

 me: read from the funful line down

 Adrian: oh

5:11 AM me: get it?

  nevermind

  goodnight for real...

 Adrian: oh

  OH!

  I"m laughing out loud

  I get it

  I GET IT!

5:12 AM me: Yea!

 Adrian: you are so funny

 me: i stop it...

  what?

  that didn't make any sense.

  are you calling me?

 Adrian: yes

5:13 AM me: My phone's across the room

 Adrian: you didn't answer

  oh

  too far to get to

 me: i'm in bed! talking to my friend on the computer

 Adrian: I was just laughing so hard I wanted you to hear it

  oh

 me: i can't carry two conversations at once

 Adrian: well, good!

  goood night!

  to your friend too!

5:14 AM oh

  hahaha

  stop it

  my stomach is hurting

 me: heehee

 Adrian: I love you so much

  you are a joy

  a blessing in my life

  thank you

 me: i'll get up and call to say goodnight in about ten minutes...but for now i'm signing off.

 Adrian: I am so lucky

  yeah

  me too

  bye

 me: you too babe

You on my mind everyday since June 2010.

I talk about you. I talk about your perfect splits. How nice your hair was. Your dancer's body. I talk about how beautiful our kids would've been. I talk about you to people who never knew you and I sound like a high school quarterback reliving his salad days.

I should have thrown a party for my thirtieth birthday. We should have celebrated big. I act as if I don't care about making spectacles out of milestones, but I do. I really do. Not sure how it happened, but I've made myself believe I'm not worthy of any hoopla. Hoopla is for happy people. I have never been happy.

The children. They would've been sweet.

I've done everything to avoid my dreams. I move to the wrong cities. I focus on the wrong kinds of employment. I do not try to become the one thing I've always dreamed of being and that is a glittering star.

I thought anthropology would've been nice to study. I should have focused on languages. Love made me stupid.

Hey you.

I've got dilemmas.

I want to throw all these clocks out the window.