Strange

I'm sad and it's obvious. It's hard navigating an alternate life. This life exists because our plans derailed. You got hit by a car and died. With that went the clown show, the little theatre, our children, all of it. This alternate life has had its ups and downs. I'm thrilled about my new friend who is kind but also devastated by the sudden and cold distancing of another friend. I don't want to mourn the living. I don't understand how someone can just turn off like a switch. This makes me very sad indeed.
Also, I don't know what to do about us. Sometimes I feel like we've reached the point where you too have become a stranger to me. It's all a blur. What's the point in memory? It doesn't seem to work very well. It shifts, it changes things around, it's selective.

Some questions to consider.

Adrian, tell me:

How am I capable of sitting in this chair for this many hours without getting any significant work done? Am I destined to always be this unfocused and distracted? Should I get an Adderall prescription? I took an ADHD test online once and passed with flying colors. I don’t need an Adderall prescription- maybe just a drug dealer and a book about time management.

I do not want to waste my life. Am I wasting my life? I’m not wasting my life.

I want to know what I should be doing. I know what I’m doing. I’m doing it.

Be an angel will ya?  

It's late late late for this late bloomer.

I have failed.

This is a sigh and a vent and a big what the fuck.

In my efforts to stay distracted- to fill the void your ridiculous absence created- I gave my time, energy, and love to others.

I have nothing to show for it.
I am hidden behind wigs and garments.
Photographs and laugh gags.

I'll just keep laying golden eggs I suppose.

People seem to like them.

My neck will eventually make a fine paté.

Oldie but goodie

Oh, the paradox of solitude! How I desired thee in company. How I abhor thee now in loneliness.

how to sleep

1. Consistency is vitally important.

   • Set a regular bedtime. Go to bed at the same time every night. ...
   • Wake up at the same time every day. If you're getting enough sleep, you should wake up naturally without an alarm. ...
   • Nap to make up for lost sleep. ...
   • Be smart about napping. ...
   • Fight after-dinner drowsiness.

   
   
2. Lie about the time zone. 

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=how%20to%20sleep

A D C M

He was born in Riverside, CA in 1981.
He had jet black hair and almond shaped eyes.
His fingers were long and slender.
He had a great wide smile, and the best teeth ever.
He was my man, my baby, and he died after we had a fight.
I woke up and he was gone.
Never go to bed angry or sad if you can avoid it.

Indulging in you.

Indulging in you

is impossible.

It is the opposite of celebration.

I cannot sit on thoughts of you for too long

as your absence

and the memory of your presence

mixed together

produce overwhelming sorrow.

There is nothing I could do that would

make me feel good

when it comes to you.

All experience is laced with hurt

with longing

with where the fuck are you?