Saturday, June 23, 2012

Shit is crazy.

I feel sad all the time... and when I say all the time, I mean ALL the time. Should it be okay if I just want to cry and act out at work? If I just crumple into a little ball, and wail uncontrollably mid training, is that okay? Are anger and rage more acceptable feelings to have because by their nature they are more explosive and outward, where as sadness and sorrow are frowned upon because they usually produce slow, lethargic movements and are inward?
I often check my emotions at the door. I shelf them. I don't know why I do this but I do. I often feel nothing. When we work, I often get exhausted. Rarely does the exhaustion turn into transcendence. I go through the motions because it's not okay to stand still. I would be told to move, and if I don't, there's a good chance I might get physically or verbally attacked. 
What happens when getting provoked only leads to resentment? Where do we go from there? Ah. We would never be talking about these things if you were alive. This simply wouldn't be my reality, but man how I wish I could discuss the nature of performance with you right now. I would love to talk to you about all this. I would love to hear what you have to say about it. How do you feel when you look down at us? I guess you probably don't feel things like this anymore. I can't even begin to wrap my head around what it might be like for you now.  All I know is that when I do think about it, everything here begins to feel real trivial.

How do I make this fun again? This is important.

No comments:

Post a Comment