Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Sarcasm as a coping mechanism.

I am sorry that I wasn't more attentive.
Why didn't I remind you everyday of your talents?
It's because I'm incredibly selfish, obviously.

I am sorry that university jobs, and earning your equity
were not good enough. I am sorry that in the span of eight
months you only played in a half dozen things. You should have
been more busy. Thirty, forty projects would have kept you happy.
I am sorry that a rent free apartment didn't stop you from
worrying. I'm sorry that no relief came from paying off
your credit card bills. I'm sorry that I never got to tell you about
my plans to help you with your loans. 

Would it have even mattered?

I got a refund for our airplane tickets. Who wanted to go 

to Greece anyway? It's no big deal that I wanted to swim 
in the Aegean where my father's ashes were scattered.

I'm sorry we had a bad year. I am sorry we fought so often.
Four years living together is clearly not enough time
to get on each other's nerves. It should be ten or twenty.
It should be never. I'm sorry that I threatened you with 

break-ups, separations, and time apart.
I'm sorry that I ever said it might do us some good.
I'm sorry for being distant sometimes, and that I
didn't prove my love for you with crazy stunts. I'm sorry
I didn't risk everything for you.

I’m sorry that my happiness was not contingent on yours.
I'm sorry that your happiness was contingent on mine.

If I had known, I would have stapled my smile in place.

When I was watching my dad get his diaper changed,
I should have been home with you.
When I was in school getting a stupid MFA-
because you had one, and I wanted one too,
I should have been home with you. When I spent long nights 

at the hospital, I should have been home with you-
massaging your feet, and not his. When I spent long nights 
on campus, trying to prove that I too deserved a terminal degree, 
I should have been home, spending time in your arms instead.

I'm sorry that when you met my dad he told you to take it easy 

and nothing more. I'm sorry I didn't express how important it 
was to me that you met him, as you were the only one who ever had.

When we had friends over, and I just wanted us to get along,
I should not have cared that you wore a frown in front of company.
I should have bruised myself every time I got sad, to remind myself
it                        could                        be                        worse. 

A lot worse. 
I should have been content with everything
all of it.
I'm sorry.

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