The last day in May.

I have these cards up. They have quotes from Sri Chimnoy on them. I got them when I went to one of the vegetarian restaurants run by his followers. He was a guru. His restaurants are oddly ubiquitous. There are at least five dotting the N. American landscape in key places like San Diego, San Francisco, Chicago, New York, and Ottawa- which we all know is the capital of Canada. In NY there are two known locations. They are both in Queens. I've been to the one in Jamaica. I went with my boyfriend at the time, Jud, which is short for Judson. He was from the South. He was a freegan. I don't think you, and I ever really talked much about him, which I think is neither a good or bad thing, but probably a good thing. In any case, that's where I got the cards. At the guru's restaurant in Jamaica, Queens. That was about six years ago. I found them recently in a purse. The purse I most likely used that day when I went to the restaurant. I don't think I've used that purse since. It's a red clutch that I hardly use. It usually gets taken out for weddings, and formal events- small purse functions. It's old. Probably from the seventies. I think it cost five dollars. I like red. Going to eat at Sri Chimnoy's restaurant is not a formal event, so I don't know why I used it that day. It doesn't matter. Sri Chimnoy has good quotes. 
"Never depend on applause." 
I like that one. 
And this one,
"I tell my mind that it must never underestimate the abundant power of a disciplined life." 
and these two, 
one,
"Do not be afraid of tasting the bitterness of failure. Be brave! The sweetness of success will long befriend you." 
and two,
"Nobody is destined to be perpetually wedded to doubt and suspicion. Indeed, it is a matter of personal choice: doubt or faith." 
There are more. I have nine cards total. I think I took one of each. They were free at the restaurant. 
I recently ate at a location in SF with Jen, Gaia, and Mauricio. This restaurant did not have the cards, but they had a book of his quotes for sale. I'm glad I have the nine cards that I do. They also have impressionistic paintings of flowers printed on them. They're quite nice. 
I hope you're enjoying this as much as I am. I can't keep a straight face while I write to you about my Sri Chimnoy cards. 
This one is the funniest: (if we were to measure them from least funny to most funny...)
"Do not try to make a happiness-fountain. Just try to break your unhappiness-tower and then see where you are: You are playing in and with happiness-power."
A happiness-fountain is funny. What does a happiness-fountain look like? I like this quote. I like all of them, but I always picture a grand fountain when I read this one. The type of fountain you'd find at Versailles, or in front of some palace in a country that has or has had a monarchy. I picture such a fountain, and it's filled with furniture, and it has all this stuff hanging off it- like a chandelier. It's ornate, and busy, and spewing just a dribble of water, and it looks miserable. It need's some redoing- the happiness-fountain in my head. It's a disaster. I think that's a good thing. What also comes to mind, unfortunately, is the intro to the TV sitcom Friends- which, yes, I've seen, but, no, did not embrace or follow to its over-publicized, and probably anticlimactic end. Ok, that's unfair. I don't know what happened. It might have had a good ending. It's just that long running sitcoms usually end on a low note. In any case, the intro to Friends has a fountain with a couch either in it or right next to it. 

It's unfortunate that my imagination is corrupted by a sliver of overplayed simulated reality. I feel like it's going to be in there forever. I wish I could replace it with a memory of me and you. A memory I don't remember. That would be nice. 

It is raining reallly hard right now. So hard that I used three L's. It is beautiful. The sun is shining to the left, and the sky is open, while on the right it's dark. I like staring into the patch of bright sky, out to the left, where the clouds are illuminated. There are pink blossoms on the trees. The rain is slowing down. It is quiet now. It is still. 

I like cleaning bathrooms.

Although I know many people who dislike cleaning bathrooms, I find bathrooms to be rather uniform and easy to manage. The smoothness of tile, the porcelain details, the shine of chrome fixtures all have their allure. They are a part of something that definitely appeals to the lizard part of my brain. Bathrooms are cool, but can be changed to steamy if desired. It's by far the most acceptable place in the house where one can be naked, and completely indulgent. That's why I can understand when really indulgent people put T.V.'s in their bathroom. Not my choice, but I get it. I'd probably have a whirlpool in my bathroom, and a balcony.

The last day in April.

I want to write to you at least once a month. It doesn't feel right letting a month pass without a pointed introspection of you and I. Me without you. You and the moon. Old me and you. New me and you. Your birthday month was a busy one. Aside from you turning thirty in the sky, other stuff happened too. 
When I was a kid, I used to tell my teachers that I wanted to be a philanthropist. I didn't know back then that a philanthropist was essentially a wealthy person who gives their money away to animal shelters, little leagues, and free clinics. All I knew was that in Greek it meant a friend of the people, and that sounded nice.    

Garage bandit.

I wrote a song, and you're in it! It's short, but that's because I wrote it. It's a gospel-like song about the sun of God, but it's entitled Orpheus Prayer, not The sun of God Prayer, for reasons I will not go into right now because I should be having a phone meeting with your brother instead, and I'm procrastinating for no good reason. I want to write more songs. I like it. I think you like it when I write songs too. http://soundcloud.com/ciao-frau/tracks

It's been so long.

I've been around a lot of different people baby. A lot of people we love. All sorts of funny, neurotic, scared, joyous, happy, sad, lonely, strong and magical people. 

It's been so long since I've written you, but how much I have wanted to. Things have been coming up at rapid speed since I left Greece. 

Baptisms, Doctors, Goth Performances, Doctors, Buffon Workshops, Doctors, California! Riverside, SF, Blue Lake. Bam! Bam! Bam! 

I want to lay beside you in the dawn someday.  

I hope you know that I will always do right by you. 

I hope you help me remember to do so. 

I’m here. I’m listening. 

Eating delicious crackers with Havarti cheese. That’s where I’m at. 

Truth Ruth

It doesn't matter how harsh I am. I'll eventually recover. I know. You know. I'm just trying to release this aggression, this anger in any way I can. Out of me! Be gone!The truth is that this is really hard. The truth is I will always love you. The truth is that I miss you. The truth is that μου λείπεις σοβαρα.
That's all.

Look, I'm 16 again!

This totally fucking blows. Here I am sitting in my aunt's apartment on Friday night hoping that someone will call me so we can go out and I can forget for maybe a few hours how sorry my situation is. I am having a really fucking hard time with egolessness, with nonaggression, with anything that has to do with loving kindness. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate myself and I feel like I want to die. I want my old life back with you. I want happiness back in my heart. I'm tired of crying, tired of trying to get better. I am hanging on by a thread. For Christ's sake I feel like I want somebody to just cut it. "Get rid of me," I say. Throw me in a dumpster. I'm done.

Things that I want to ask you:

Was it worth it to you?

Is this what you were hoping for?

Things that I want to ask God:

Did Adrian die so that I may be exposed as a wretched thing?

Was that the plan?

I was a child once. I've seen photos. I had a little heart and little feet while everything around me was big big big. Along the way I learned to yell, swear, cut myself, do drugs, and break things. There were moments of hope. Things that came in the forms of love, acceptance and approval. There were moments when life felt good. You had your hand in that but you also drove a stake through my heart.

I feel like an underdog sometimes.The life of an underdog. Acceptance is always fleeting.

And you who loved me like no one ever had. I was your world. You loved me. You saint. Of course you die. Of course you die in my city, under my watch, in my care. These are how the stories of underdogs go.

I know this is violent. I feel violent. There is violence everywhere. I actively contribute to the destruction of things. I live because I don't deserve to die. Here is your tragic bride, cursed walker of the Earth, envious of your freedom from me.