I wonder if this will ever get old. I think because we're rounding the three year mark, things are beginning to feel dated in a way that makes me sad. The impact of your death on my life is changing. I'm not as motivated to honor you in ways that now seem contrived or expected. In a sense, I'm critiquing the modes in which I operate under. This expectation to keep your memory alive is something I have placed on myself. I'm operating from places of guilt, bitterness, envy, and loneliness. What does it all mean? Is there an ending? How do I keep this going? I love you so very much. How will I continue to honor you? Will it always be public? Will you eventually just occupy a place in my private mind? I miss your energy. I miss your presence. You you you you you you.
