booted butterfly

Monday, October 2, 2017

This is the end.

Adrian died a little over seven years ago. If he were alive and if we were theoretically still together October 13th would've been our ten year anniversary.

Over the course of time my writing began to include thoughts and feelings about other lovers and intimate experiences.

It doesn't feel right to put it all in here in this one space in this one form anymore.

I will longer write new entries in Booted Butterfly but I will continue to edit past ones, reflect on them, and possibly post the drafts that never saw the light of day.

Thanks for reading!

May we all get the love we deserve, need, and want and offer our love freely in return.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

pfffffffff

love is going to love love love love love love love love love love

until it hurts

but love hurts.

and then it doesn't

we all know that.

i love to love to love want to love love love be love love love give love love love love know love love love love see love love love love love hold love love love love love love.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

a small confession

I wanted us to talk so that you could tell me how I hurt you. I wanted to know the details.

In the abstract it is hard for me to process and therefore understand. My reasons for wanting to know are completely selfish. I want to become a better person and also talk to you again.

While I'm sad that we broke up, I understand that we did.

I am a very emotional person and you for better or worse couldn't take it anymore.
Currently, I am still a very emotional person. There is no guarantee this will ever change for me unfortunately.

I get it.

I never meant to hurt you! I still love you. I will always love you. I can't turn it off.

I really do miss you and the dog. I miss you guys a lot. I miss you so much that I'm okay that you've already fallen in love with someone else. I just want you to talk to me again.

I remember when you met. I remember when you showed me the story they had written about their heroic rescue. I remember.

This is all so surreal to me. I have so many unanswered questions. Were you having an affair? Did you guys stay in contact after you met? Did you hang out at the climbing gym and flirt? It's fine it's fine! I just wish we could talk.

I kissed a someone in Dublin. They had a kissing ticket and I had been drinking. I was waiting for the right time to reveal this but the right time never came. I was hoping it was going to turn you on and/or you would be understanding about it and we would talk about it but everything seemed so fragile and i was so scared of losing you that i didn't tell you. you seemed so distant and already on the fence about us. how i wish i could correct all the mistakes i made.

I did this to Adrian too and then never had the chance to tell him.

I feel so terrible, I feel so awful for not saying what I wanted to say to you when I had the chance when we were together. it might have meant something. or not.

you are the person I was with for three years. i am going to miss you. i hope someday we'll be friends.

Monday, August 21, 2017

eclipsed

enter radical softness
a furry belly
my breasts are the best
I say to anyone asking
for a business card
enter depth of sorrow
ankle biting tyranny
of mind
looking for a good place
to nibble on an ear lobe
painted like a rain cloud